Who Is Abbey M. Blue?

Abbey and I met in an online Trauma Healing group. As the two Christians in the group, we talked privately on a regular basis. We both wrote poetry and quickly started sharing our silenced words with one another; too shy to share our words in ‘real-life.’

The forum became a safe place to heal by listening and sharing. To peek out from underneath the heavy layer of shame that trauma keeps a person buried under. Abbey wrote heartfelt poems and I heard her sorrow across Cyber Space. At the end of every conversation we had, she encouraged me to hug my kids.

We stayed connected for a year or so. My fight was with past trauma, but her trauma was happening in real-time. She never told me her last name for fear that I would turn her situation to the authorities. At times, I wondered if Abbey was catfishing because the stories she told were outrageous and full of unbelievable trauma. I struggled to believe so much could happen to one person in such a short life. Her poetry told me I was wrong. No one writes that kind of pain without knowing it firsthand.

Abbey’s last share with me was that she was pregnant and the baby’s father could potentially be her own father. As I normally did, I begged her to get help. She said she was in therapy but it wasn’t working. And that she couldn’t fight anymore. I begged her to not give up. To will herself to live. She said she would but the next email I received from her was from her best friend telling me that Abbey had written one last letter to me before she took her own life.

The letter was one of gratitude for our connection. It was also a letter asking me to ‘help others understand.’ How do I help others understand when it all felt so impossible to me?

So, I boxed up her poems, her letter, her photograph … and shelved her in the highest part of my closet.

Over the years, I’d hear her whispers deep within my soul. As I searched and fought for my own healing, I shared what I discovered along the way with others. I began writing here and there. I shared a blog and whenever I wrote, I thought of her.

When I finally wrote a memoir focused on healing from past sexual trauma, it was recommended that I use a pen name for legal purposes. I couldn’t think of a more appropriate name than Abbey.

The M. stands for me, Michele.

The legacy of the last name comes from the heartfelt poem that she gave to me one day when I was feeling alone. Her words filled me with hope and a distinct understanding of the power of word truth.

A Patch of Blue

A patch of blue in a cloud-filled sky is often hard to see.
A shooting star in sorrow's night can take an eternity.
We often walk a tunnel never near that warm and welcome light.
We often heed yet seldom hear those words that make "all right."
Our silent pleas for happiness fall ever on deaf ears.
Our search for joy, peace, and love will rob us of our years.
But, if we share our sadness, our hope, and feelings too...
Amid the frequent rain of tears, we'll find our patch of blue.

— Abbey November 1998

What I’d like to help others understand is this.

Shame has the power to break us; Hope has the power to heal us.

Abbey M. Blue represents the many Unheard Voices of Trauma.

Abbey M. Blue speaks for the unborn baby & the mom who chose to leave this earth in search of unspeakable peace.

She represents your unspoken pain, whatever the trauma. And, anyone else searching for their voice. She also represents those of us who are here to listen.

Together, in truth, perhaps we will find our own beautiful patches of blue.